Maybe That’s Why Old Man River Never Made It Up That Mountain.

I have moments where I’m aware of just how crazy odd I am.

Usually, those times have something to do with myself in the context of how weird I get when I’m talking about my writing to someone. I get a bit uncomfortable, start shifting my weight from side to side, and start furtively glancing around at things while I try not to get too eccentric and odd with the discussion at hand.

Jokes are made, (usually at the expense of my awkwardness) and then the moment passes. But I’m still aware of the impending questions that weren’t really answered. Especially when I know I could have answered them as sure as I could have taken another breath.

But I’m too uncomfortable with talking. I’m a great person on the phone, maybe if its catching up with someone or even just randomly calling someone to see how they’re doing. I’m never comfortable with it fully though.

I’m glad for where I am now. I’ve learned, loved, and don’t regret. Not when I see where I’ve come from.

No matter the awkward pauses, or even the mild stuttering attacks when too many thoughts bombard the mind. I’m in constant wanting of the permissive attitude that I’m just a little crazy.

That sort of thing humbles even the most wildly prideful, arrogant, self seeking, etc, blah blah blah.

Or it just tells me “You are a little off the handle, Joraie. Maybe even too inwardly eccentric and emotionally private, but who said that makes you even less of a man? Or a person? So what if you’re worried about how others judge you, stick your mindset on spiritual cravings and watch those eyes fall.”

And when it comes down to it, I’d much rather be left alone in times of “social living”.

That’s mainly because, well, I’m just not too good at small talk, and the silence is more comfortable than the screaming mouths of others indifference and disbelief.

Maybe you already know this, maybe you don’t, or maybe you frankly don’t give a flying finger about it and anything related to me.

Some people find me awkward, or bashful or shy. But truth be told I was just never a fan, not to be a jerk or anything, but I just figured if I’m going to talk, it might as well be about something that actually mattered.

As uncomfortable as I am with writing at times, in different ways, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Because with all this discomfort and removing myself from the safety zone of mediocrity, I get to see the truth in interesting ways. Truths about myself, others, and as well as the measure and level of love God has for me in times of desperate situations.

I realize in my desires to lead an adventurous life, with all things (be it traveling, and meeting all these beautiful people, roaming about like so), I’m realizing that life is meant to be enjoyed for the essence of its opportunity.

I think I get that from my mother, to be quite honest.

Wanting to have adventures and experiences that makes you feel alive, or even making you feel that liberating freedom that’s aptly called a “reckless journey”.

The fears and worries are all still there, and I’m sure they’ll always be there ten years from now, but I know that no matter what I’ll always be held onto.

And I’ll always be a little bashful and uncomfortable with certain topics.

But I’m never one for mincing words or dulling down things.

So through all this, for the conclusory object of a wildly odd and off topic subject, I’m not changing anytime soon.

And if I do in the next couple months? Well, I’m sure I won’t be the only one who notices it.

Because I’m really just another crazy man in the wilderness.

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Posted in: Spiritual Thoughts.